Column: The ‘Culture War Circus’ comes to Portage County
By Nick Hylla
After a popular national tour, the Culture War Circus is finally here in Central Wisconsin!
Come one, come all—and we’ll once again prove that the most vicious and bitter politics are about the things that matter least to our daily lives! Guests will be engrossed in our wildly popular exhibits, including:
- How to Not Be an Anti-Racist
In this ‘conversation’ about racism, we’ll only see one color, red. We’ll dwell on divisive quotes like “f-ck the racist police,” (just the racist ones, though) and “Our country was founded on freedom,” (except for the whole human slavery thing).
We’ll ignore how America is the first and only country in the world to divide its citizens based on the flawed concept of race, how it’s been used to economically disadvantaged groups of people, and the persistent impact it has on wealth, freedom, and opportunity today. Instead, we’ll work individually to use language from past Civil Rights leaders to loudly claim that we are not racist.
We’ll proudly proclaim that “All Lives Matter” (that sounds right) so that we can ignore any responsibility to recognize the struggles of our neighbors, or, for that matter, make any effort to help those less fortunate. Some of us can insinuate that all white people are racist, and others can pretend we know what Critical Race Theory is and that it is bad for our children.
In the end, we’ll argue about basic terminology and make sure that everyone knows that we don’t need any further training on the topic.
- Defend the Constitution with Guns
Lots of Guns. Welcome to the gun club Portage County. In this hysterical exhibit, we’ll hear from a local gun manufacturer and a loosely organized militia(?) that “the Constitution is under attack” and “our country is in trouble” and that “they are coming to take our guns.” We’ll learn that because the U.S. has more guns per capita than any other country on Earth, that it means that the government is more likely to take the guns away, which means that we need more guns to stop them from doing it. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. More guns!
We’ll learn how both Democrat and Republican presidents have been absolutely great for gun sales and why you can’t get hunting ammunition because the neighbor down the road needs 50,000 rounds for, I guess, freedom.
We’ll be told that we need to make a 2nd Amendment sanctuary in Portage County though conveniently the resolution does not include the language of the actual Constitution which reads “a well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.” We’ll then repeat, “We are not in a militia, promise,” and, “we hate regulation, of course.”
For an exciting finale, we’ll walk around in public with our assault rifles because it makes people feel at ease about the Constitution.
*No guns allowed on the Circus premises.
- Look at me—I Am the Best Patriot!
Everyone loves a good argument about the national anthem. Remember how much fun it was to fight with your family during the Packer’s games the past few years about who is kneeling and not kneeling and how people should “know their place?” It was so much fun that in this exhibit, we’ll make it an issue at every T-ball game in the state.
We’ll also brainstorm other modifications we can make to the U.S. flag so that it better represents our political positions—because the Thin Blue Line flag is just not enough desecration.
What about a thin black line flag for Black Lives Matter? Or, a thin rainbow line flag for LGBTQ rights? Or a thin green line flag for environmental conservation? Oh, you don’t agree with changing the flag that way? Too bad; in this exhibit, everyone can have what they want and we can find your own ‘facts’ online to back us up.
And are you ready for the best part? When someone tells us to stop (which you know they will) we get to go on the nation’s biggest broadcast network, wrap ourselves in the flag, and complain about being canceled to millions of viewers.
You’ll also not want to miss our other fun and divisive exhibits, including “January 6th: A Mildly Chaotic Tour of Our Nation’s Capital Building,” “25 Years of Shopping at Walmart and Now Hating China,” “Socialism is Only Good for the Rich,” “We Need More Low Wage Workers,” and “Antifa Is Coming!”
Unfortunately, we’ve had to cancel the following exhibits due to lack of public interest: combatting poverty and homelessness in Central Wisconsin, the value of local community service, local economic development needs in Portage County, improving local quality of life to attract new business talent, meeting the region’s housing needs, ensuring safe drinking water for future generations, local infrastructure investment priorities, transforming education for a digital age, redistricting and the importance of fair maps, opportunities in the local transition to clean energy, criminal justice reform, food security, drug dependence, and treatment to support at-risk families, disaster preparedness, local workforce development needs, and more.
We look forward to seeing you at the circus. You won’t want to miss it. And remember our motto: “Runaway to the Culture War Circus, we keep the working class fighting so they don’t notice our hands in their pockets!”