Column: Celebrating and understanding first responders’ experience

By Dan Kontos

You may not have even realized it, but this last Tuesday was National First Responders Day. 

This day is set aside to celebrate the heroes who help our community when we’re in the greatest of need. As a society, we often extol the men and women who stand ready, around the clock, to come to our aid, often during the darkest times of our lives.

Though we really —if you stop and think about it —never want to encounter them in a professional sense, we can still appreciate that they are there when we need them.

I’ve had several occasions lately to sit in a group of responders and listen to their stories. Stories that I am all too familiar with, myself. However, I can’t help but watch the others. Those who sit amongst them, those who have no first responder background themselves. The spouses and friends who sit quietly by and listen while responders inevitably talk shop.

I see the looks on their faces as they struggle to keep up with the jargon and the fast-paced recitation of the most gruesome or harrowing facts, trying to understand just another day at the office for their loved one or friend. I recognize those looks, and I’d like to try to explain, just a bit.

Do you know someone who is a first responder? To summarize trauma counselor Dennis Carradin Jr., even been around a group of them yourself and think, “Oh my gosh, these people are broken.” You’re actually not too far off the mark. Just recognize that these people have had to develop a unique set of behavioral strategies to handle very challenging situations. That dark and often inappropriate humor is not insensitivity, it’s an actual coping mechanism called cognitive distancing.

You see, for first responders, life is not always sunshine and roses. First responders, such as law enforcement, firefighters, and emergency medical personnel, often toil under intense situations amid public expectations to be virtually superhuman when the situation calls for it, always showing up to help without missing a beat.

When they joke, their brains are working to reframe the ordeals that they have witnessed, thereby transforming those memories into something more palatable. Basically, they think, “If I can joke about it, especially with others who have also faced what I have, then the experience can’t destroy me.” The punchlines: always quick, always dry, and with little resemblance to polite teatime conversations.  This is because when you work in a world where seconds count, your brain learns to respond faster than your emotions can actually catch up.

That’s why jokes happen in the back of the rig, back at the station, sitting car-to-car, or with other responders at the tavern, not in a therapist’s office. Humor becomes the armor that keeps you safe. If I can laugh at the dreadfulness of it all, I can go on to the subsequent call, show up the following day, and do it all over again. The next time you hear them tell a joke or a dark story that would make anyone else recoil a bit, just know it’s not disrespect, it’s emotional self-aid.

Have you ever noticed that when someone from the “outside” asks a responder for a humorous story from work, or their best – fill in the blank – they struggle? Not because they don’t have a story. Oh, they do. But a responder’s world relies on pushing past these events and then burying them. Let sleeping dogs lie, and leave well enough alone. That’s the plan.

The same is true when you thank a responder for their service, and they have no snappy answer, though they have been there a hundred times before. Often all they can manage is an awkward grunt, a half-twisted smile, and a curt robotic reply, like “Hey, I was just doing my job.” 

That’s not actually humility, that’s psychology. You see, responders live in a bifurcated world where they are trained to run straight into chaos, make quick decisions, often at great personal risk, and frequently alter the trajectory of someone’s life, all while pretending that it doesn’t affect them.

When you tell a first responder thanks, it really is a little reminder of what they have just gone through, when the last thing they want to do is to have to relive that trauma a second time. It’s not that they don’t appreciate the gesture; they do.  It’s just hard sometimes.

National First Responder Day is an opportunity to appreciate all the emergency personnel in our lives. Those who serve in our local agencies, as well as those who have served in the past, and also those who will serve in the future. Their dedication to their profession and to our community is a testament to the strength of our society, and their sacrifices deserve our deepest gratitude. I know that they have mine.

So, with that, let’s meet in the opinion section to talk about all of it, boldly, honestly, with an appreciation for all our public servants, and with a healthy respect and a little understanding for each other. Until then, remember that God loves you, and so do I.